Novell på engelska

If I die


Anano Sichinava 2021-12-15

The month of April, the third of April is without you. Are you waiting for me with your arms open again ?! I know you are no more. You are somewhere in the sky above, call me again from above. I love you again, with your outstretched hand in the sky. I'm getting crazy, right?!

I am waiting for a dead person, who is buried in the ground, a person with a big heart and boundless love. Now the whole world is amazingly empty… and the cranes are no longer flying with our hands. I would invite you for a cup of tea, a lemon and a lifetime. Like a childhood house, every corner of the island that you know, I know like that house, your eyes today.
They were different colors, very beautiful ... I always wanted to get lost in them. The disease was aggravated though still beautiful. The disease was so in your face… I loved you and your eyes…  

People walk like that again. With a fast heartbeat… the soul can hardly speak, they laugh, they love… How could you not be ashamed, Death, that you didn't knock on the door of my house and reach the door of that greedy man… How could you not be ashamed… Do you remember our girl? She will be 15 tomorrow… Your mom rarely gives me the right to visit. She told me that what Eve left us made my soul heavy. She doesn’t realize that when you left , on the contrary, it emptied my soul. Our girl also has a disease on her eyes, she also has beautiful eyes in different colors. I walk the streets slowly. I am a 36 year old man. I have already grown up.
Yet again that 25 year old guy I think is my head, that guy totally that tried in vain not to get lost though, but nothing worked. Could not find the strength to make you immortal… Once entering the hallway, I met myself sitting on the stairs and waiting for me.  whenever I do not know what I am thinking or what I should think… I want a randomly fired bullet to sacrifice me.
I miss you... I miss you to infinity.  

It’s 12 o’clock Eve, which means she’s already fifteen. I’m trying to reach her through the phone. I called her once, no answer. Called her twice, still no one is answering. Last and not least the third time was my luck. She picked up her phone and I happily started.

  • Happy birthday, Nina 

  • Wrong number, says familiar voice. - something inside me started feeling weird, I could feel something wet on my face. Since you left me, even our daughter doesn't want me…

I can’t feel anything. I'm still sitting in our room and thinking about how I gave up on my career. I’m not a doctor any more. How should someone like me try to save another person’s life?
I’m writing a lot, I'm writing to you, talking to ghosts that look like you, I'm insane. Writing, writing, writing, then drinking, drinking and drinking, then talking to a wall and waiting for answers. 

                                            🟎🟎🟎🟎

It’s been six months since I've tried to reach our daughter.
I have written so many letters hoping she will knock on my door. The room is messy. Our house looks as if a vagabond lived there. It’s true though. There's the smell of alcohol and sadness everywhere. My life has become nonsense, I think I have schizophrenia. How should I help all this? How should I kick all these people out of my room? Papers and ink are all over the place. Nothing helps life without you.
I miss our little family, the family where we were making adventures together, with Nina, and without a sign of sadness. I’m singing the music, we all used to sing together: ”I have a little family, family of three. Mom, Dad and me, I’m in grade five, My dad loves very much to drive…” I don’t think this song is stupid anymore, Nina, i don’t.  I know that my end is coming soon, I don't know how many months, week, day or minute but it will come soon, i feel it.  All I want is to see my daughter before that… 

                                              🟎🟎🟎🟎 

I’m laying on the sofa, looking dead, my hopes are crying, screaming and almost dying then I hear knocking.
She came… I’m using all my strength to stand up and open a door. Knocking doesn’t stop. I’m running and trying to reach the door as fast as possible. This black door looks like it’s sparkling, it’s been too long i haven’t seen this house in any other color than black. Ghosts are gone, my heart feels something strange that i’ve never felt before. I'm opening a door with tears in my eyes. Everything I build in my head, starts destroying after seeing two police officers instead of Nina. 

  • You have to come with us, you're getting arrested for killing your wife. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. - Handcuffs are touching my skin badly. All hate in a policeman's eyes, is enough to understand that it's the end of everything. 

  • I didn’t kill her… I am a scientist. It was my duty to make an experiment but it failed. - Words don't mean anything here, I can't make you alive with that. 

Before leaving the house, I'm looking back at it. Nothing is sparkling anymore. Everything is black again except your favorite flower. It’s brown with your blood spots, it’s dead as well, but in this case I didn't kill it… Still I'm worrying that she didn’t come… she didn’t forgive me… What if I die?

                                               🟎🟎🟎🟎

It’s almost my 16th birthday and I'm watching my dad sitting in a policeman's car. I’m continuing walking with my favorite song. ”I have a little family, family of three. Mom, Dad and me, I’m in grade five, My dad loves very much to drive”...

 

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